Sunday, March 20, 2011

To Be Continued

Unfortunately I learned how unfair and tough life is at an early age. I had a harsh reality happen that changed my life forever. I was in sixth grade- a time in life where everyone is going through changes and trying to be "cool" and fit in. It was about this time of year (8 years ago) and my dad had been very sick. They thought he had mono.. I remember taking soup and water to him upstairs because he was so drained of energy to come down. A few doctor visits and days later it was determined that it, in fact, wasn't mono. I was in my kitchen with my mom and Mrs. Lori and mom said she had some news to share. The rest is pretty much a blur. I remember crying and going to my room, confused. I was 13 years old. What 12 year old is supposed to understand what Leukemia is? I couldn't even spell it. To be completely honest, a whole lot of the next few years are a blur. I know he started treatment and was very very sick. I no longer could see him every day because he spent much of his time in the hospital in Huntsville. My mom was with him a lot but me and my brother were kept busy and taken care of. People were so extremely kind and brought us meals. I tried to stay strong because I didn't want any more stress added to ANYONE! I'm sure I cried a lot, but I specifically remember that Easter. We went to visit him after church and it was still early on in the illness and may even been the first time I had gone to visit. I clearly remember I was wearing a new outfit from Limited Too! As we were getting ready to leave I remember crying in my daddy's arms. I was so scared and I completely hated seeing him so sick. He had lost a ton of weight and hardly looked like himself. I didn't want him to see me upset but I just cried and cried in his arms. What I would give to be able to do that right now.....

I think much of the next few years are a blur because some of the memories would be too painful to remember. No wants someone they love(or someone they don't) to go through that pain. I know if I saw pictures I would remember that summer but right now I just don't. That fall I started Jr. High, and when dad was feeling well enough he would take me to school and pick me up. I loved that. Those 10 minutes in the morning and afternoon were special times. He would tell me my hair looked perfect and we would listen to talk shows or the radio. Sometimes now I'll flip the radio to a station that plays older music and songs will play that remind me of him. It always makes me smile, and cry sometimes too.

Time kept moving, he would go through treatment and radiation again and again. In and out of the hospital. Mom kept a CaringBridge journal so that we could look back at one day for the specifics, but it's at home and I really needed to blog this now and I'm not home. Obviously if you know me then you know how this story ends up. Spring is a hard time of year for me. For many reasons, but all relate to my dad. People are outside mowing, golfing, working in the yard planting flowers. All of that is my dad- springtime is my dad to me. I smell fresh cut grass and I smell him. I see pretty flowers and I picture him. I see a golf course and I remember many hours on a golf course with him. I try to remember the good times over the bad. But springtime is also when we lost him. So there are those memories too. I think I'm going to make this a continued post over the next few weeks. I was just having a rough day and missing him more than usual- if that's possible. When you lose someone you love you have to find a way to continue life without them. It's hard and here we are almost six years later and I still struggle. But I don't hold it inside because that is not healthy. Maybe someone will read this that's going through a similar journey. And I'll tell ya what, you'll be okay. We're all okay. Jesus Christ is the only thing that got me though and continues to get me though this heartache. I honestly don't want to imagine what those years would have been like if I didn't have faith and have our Lord and Savior consuming my heart. I don't want to know. It would be ugly. I wouldn't be where I am today without Him and I just want everyone to feel His love in their times of struggle and their times of praise. Like I said I'm going to continue this story, more as a therapy for myself. You don't have to read, I'm just sharing for me to have documented.

The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. (Psalm 9:9-10)

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging. (Psalm 46:1-3)

My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life. (Psalm 119:50)

Love you all.

1 comment:

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